"Two thugs entered and threatened the owner with shotguns. At that time I drew my Magnum and killed them both. Then I bought some eggs and some milk and some of those little cocktail wienies."
"Inspector, was that absolutely necessary?"
"Well, yes. I have no groceries at home."
------------------
"They were so certain that their son would turn out rotten that they put him up for adoption three years before he was born."
---------------------------
"I bet you think that all women should be barefoot and pregnant, right?"
"No, I encourage women to wear shoes."
------------------------------
"I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may. Now, your stereotypical donut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, am I right? Now, that fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain, and you turn liberal. And the next thing you know, Barry Manilow is on the turn-table and you're not going to work AND YOU'RE VOTING FOR GUN CONTROL! YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? YOU SEE THE CONNECTION? That's why I eat granola."
-----------------------------
"Listen, pal, for a million dollars, I'd become a male nurse!"
-----------------------------
(To the gun-toting Amish family)
"I thought violence was against your way of life."
"Hey, this is the '80s"
----------------------------
"I was born with a gun in my hand-- which is the chief reason I could never get babysitters"
--------------------------
"No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener."
-------------------------
"Please, you owe it to me. Let me kill you, and I promise I'll never ever do it again!"
-------------------------
"If I don't walk away from this, promise me one thing"
"What's that?"
"Tell the chief I won't be in for work tomorrow"
"Inspector, was that absolutely necessary?"
"Well, yes. I have no groceries at home."
------------------
"They were so certain that their son would turn out rotten that they put him up for adoption three years before he was born."
---------------------------
"I bet you think that all women should be barefoot and pregnant, right?"
"No, I encourage women to wear shoes."
------------------------------
"I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may. Now, your stereotypical donut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, am I right? Now, that fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain, and you turn liberal. And the next thing you know, Barry Manilow is on the turn-table and you're not going to work AND YOU'RE VOTING FOR GUN CONTROL! YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? YOU SEE THE CONNECTION? That's why I eat granola."
-----------------------------
"Listen, pal, for a million dollars, I'd become a male nurse!"
-----------------------------
(To the gun-toting Amish family)
"I thought violence was against your way of life."
"Hey, this is the '80s"
----------------------------
"I was born with a gun in my hand-- which is the chief reason I could never get babysitters"
--------------------------
"No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener."
-------------------------
"Please, you owe it to me. Let me kill you, and I promise I'll never ever do it again!"
-------------------------
"If I don't walk away from this, promise me one thing"
"What's that?"
"Tell the chief I won't be in for work tomorrow"
"Hammer, I just got a call from the school board..."
"Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you gonna yell at me for shooting a cigar out of that guy's mouth?"
-----------------------
"Attention, miniature misfits: I am your substitute teacher."
---------------------
"Now that's how you threaten somebody with good grammar!"
---------------------
"If someone gives these kids proper guidance, they can do wrong for the right reasons!"
---------------------
"[Cops] eat free at restaurants. You never have to stop at red lights. You get to meet lots of interesting people... and put them in a chokehold!"
---------------------
"Looks like he wants to play chicken."
"I love a challenge!"
"But he's got a car, and you don't!"
"He cheats at everything."
---------------------
"What on earth could a killer's motive be to kill 15 Elvis impersonators?"
"Obviously to get in the Guinness Book"
--------------------
"I haven't killed a serial killer in months"
-------------------
"I can do Elvis more efficiently than any of you!"
-----------------
"He's alive?"
"Shh! Enough happiness!"
-----------------
"Why didn't you let me in on it?"
"You're a woman, and you have a phone"
----------------
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To avoid the death penalty"
---------------
"Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you gonna yell at me for shooting a cigar out of that guy's mouth?"
-----------------------
"Attention, miniature misfits: I am your substitute teacher."
---------------------
"Now that's how you threaten somebody with good grammar!"
---------------------
"If someone gives these kids proper guidance, they can do wrong for the right reasons!"
---------------------
"[Cops] eat free at restaurants. You never have to stop at red lights. You get to meet lots of interesting people... and put them in a chokehold!"
---------------------
"Looks like he wants to play chicken."
"I love a challenge!"
"But he's got a car, and you don't!"
"He cheats at everything."
---------------------
"What on earth could a killer's motive be to kill 15 Elvis impersonators?"
"Obviously to get in the Guinness Book"
--------------------
"I haven't killed a serial killer in months"
-------------------
"I can do Elvis more efficiently than any of you!"
-----------------
"He's alive?"
"Shh! Enough happiness!"
-----------------
"Why didn't you let me in on it?"
"You're a woman, and you have a phone"
----------------
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To avoid the death penalty"
---------------
"We're members of a clandestine group whose members share the singular purpose of righting wrongs through force and aggression"
"I'm already a registered Republican"
---------------------
"What do you think of the death penalty?"
"Too lenient-- there's always the possibility of reincarnation"
--------------------
"Newborn babies don't have enemies!"
"I did."
-------------------
"Cops can't go around making promises they can't keep. That right is for presidents."
-------------------
"The only game show I like is Divorce Court, because they give away the best prize"
"I'm already a registered Republican"
---------------------
"What do you think of the death penalty?"
"Too lenient-- there's always the possibility of reincarnation"
--------------------
"Newborn babies don't have enemies!"
"I did."
-------------------
"Cops can't go around making promises they can't keep. That right is for presidents."
-------------------
"The only game show I like is Divorce Court, because they give away the best prize"
I'm a nihilist, not a stylist
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