clousems news network

If you have access to the internet, you are likely aware that Americans get really annoyed with Fox News for employing a bunch of biased jackasses who love Trump. The problem is that pretty much all American TV news stations that aren't Fox employ a bunch of biased jackasses who assume that all Republicans love Trump. This causes all Republicans to get offended by the non-Fox stations and do things to spite the non-Republicans, including loving Trump.

Obviously, this vicious cycle needs to be broken. But how?

Today, the answer struck me:
I'm a registered Republican. Why can't I be the biased Republican jackass that doesn't love Trump?

With this in mind, I went to various television stations in my town to pitch them my idea for a news show. Unfortunately, I live in the DC Metropolitan area, and a bunch of CBS news guys jumped me in the parking lot for trying to take their TV slots. Clearly, I would need a less saturated market**.

With that in mind, I eagerly began searching for flights to Burkesville, Kentucky. It's a city with a population of about 2000 people. Its Wikipedia page notes that it has a public library and once employed Abraham Lincoln's father as a constable. It's a super prestigious city, and one that I'm sure would be eager to headquarter my emerging news network.

However, I was stymied again, as I discovered that they don't have a major airport in Burkesville, Kentucky.

With my options dwindling, I have decided to post transcripts here, hope that some bigwig somewhere takes notice, and start up that way.

The first story is about a new news network being started on a website called lichess. This news network is called clousems news network (c.n.n.). For copyright purposes, it should be noted that c.n.n. is not affiliated with CNN, the Cable News Network. According to the founder of c.n.n., the network prides itself in being "the best source for biased, non-Trump Republican jackassery in the news (even if the Republican jackassery is itself a façade, since the jackass self-identifies as a classical liberal jackass)."

*The fact that so many non-Americans know this is kind of funny, if you think about it. People receive news about how Americans receive news of things that go on in other places.
** That was not meant to be a reference to the Will Ferrell movie Anchorman, even though I am aware there is a scene in which a character is jumped by a bunch of news anchors and later glibly points out that the market might be oversaturated.

Absolutely nothing happened in the US today. No, sir.

No hyper-inflation?
No UFO abductions?
No armed insurrections?
Same as down here, then, basically.

I forget if news happened today

Still, though-- best source for biased, non-Trump Republican jackassery in the news

Our new Prime Minister is tres vanilla blanc-mange. The next 4 years promises to be, at best, really boring.
Perhaps worth noting in passing is that the new Government is evolved from the union movement of old,and represents the interests of the "working man", and it's leader made sure the electors knew he came from a deprived childhood background, yadda yadda yadda.
His first public act was a conducted tour for national TV of his current family home.
It's a huge bloody mansion sitting in serious acreage. Where were his minders???

Y'all should've voted in Angus Young. "Exciting" would be an understatement. It would've been explosive-- like TNT.

Today's top stories:

The tree outside of my house was felled by lightning-- or, more likely, a Chinese superweapon harnessing the power of Mjolnir, in an attempt to prevent the truth-bombs that will inevitably be dropped by this network.

Lance Humphrey was indicted on a charge of tampering with a prisoner monitoring device by the Cumberland County (KY) Circuit Court.
I did not make that up. c.n.n.'s research team is "straight fire", as the whippersnappers are wont to elocute.

A c.n.n. research team member was straight-up fired for using the term "straight fire".

Also, the Pittsburgh Penguins did not re-sign 4-time All-Star center Evgeni Malkin, which pisses my sister off royally.

Of the original Thirteen Colonies, Pennsylvania is the only state that does not border the Atlantic Ocean. So why do they have a sport team called Penguins? Unless some penguins live in Lake Erie.
Not criticising, just curious.
Not even going to point out that penguin-wise, the Atlantic in general is largely bereft. ( yes, I know..the northern rockhopper...but apart from that)