Shorter title is because I may start reviewing mainstream movies.
Bridget Jones' Diary, et al:
You've probably noticed that I mainly watch horror and action movies. I decided to broaden my horizons with Bridget Jones' Diary. I found myself too bored to fully pay attention, so I missed a lot of plot points. I will be filling in these holes with Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Lair of the White Worm, House of Flying Daggers, and Braindead. You probably won't be able to tell the difference-- they all share the weird accents.
Bridget Jones' Diary is about a woman named Bridget Jones and her never-ending quest to find true love. She finds herself torn between Mr. Darcy, a lawyer (or possibly zombie serial killer) portrayed by Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant, a Hugh Grant portrayed by Hugh Grant.
At the outset, we learn that Bridget Jones is a bit of a whiner. Her family is weird. Her step-dad is an oompa-loompa.
Anyways, the whiner decides that she needs to get a boyfriend. This could prove tricky-- while she is reasonably attractive, she suffers from a chronic condition known as "sucky character development."
She first decides to date Hugh Grant, but when he loses all of his money in an underground poker game with Hatchet Harry, he is forced to leave her to slay Amanda Donohoe with a hand grenade (as one does). This would be kind of a downer, were it not for the fact that he was Hugh Grant.
Stymied and apparently hobbie-less, Bridget Jones continues to quest for true-ish love. She happens upon Colin Firth, whose expression throughout the film reminded me of the Iron Maiden song "Children of the Damned".
We next see Bridget Jones trying to make soup out of yarn. Apparently, she suffers from many chronic maladies. Colin Firth arrives to save the soup, but is attacked by Hugh Grant, who has succeeded in protecting his ancestral homeland from the devil, vis a vis hand grenade. Both start floating about like superheroes, throwing knives at each other. They race across the bamboo forests of London, gliding from shoot to shoot as onlookers stare, bewildered.
These two chaps then slap each other like little girls for about five minutes, before Bridget Jones has had enough. Remembering that her mother made her mow the lawn ceaselessly, she goes to a shed, grabs the lawnmower, and runs through the zombies. Blood flies everywhere. It's very violent.
FInally free of oppressive society, Bridget Jones decides to get rid of the evidence by throwing the lawnmower off the side of London Bridge. However, she gets a call from one of her friends, who informs her that the lawnmower is worth millions. The film ends with Bridget Jones reaching for the lawnmower.
The original version gets 1/4 stars
The clousems cut, however, is a masterpiece
You've probably noticed that I mainly watch horror and action movies. I decided to broaden my horizons with Bridget Jones' Diary. I found myself too bored to fully pay attention, so I missed a lot of plot points. I will be filling in these holes with Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Lair of the White Worm, House of Flying Daggers, and Braindead. You probably won't be able to tell the difference-- they all share the weird accents.
Bridget Jones' Diary is about a woman named Bridget Jones and her never-ending quest to find true love. She finds herself torn between Mr. Darcy, a lawyer (or possibly zombie serial killer) portrayed by Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant, a Hugh Grant portrayed by Hugh Grant.
At the outset, we learn that Bridget Jones is a bit of a whiner. Her family is weird. Her step-dad is an oompa-loompa.
Anyways, the whiner decides that she needs to get a boyfriend. This could prove tricky-- while she is reasonably attractive, she suffers from a chronic condition known as "sucky character development."
She first decides to date Hugh Grant, but when he loses all of his money in an underground poker game with Hatchet Harry, he is forced to leave her to slay Amanda Donohoe with a hand grenade (as one does). This would be kind of a downer, were it not for the fact that he was Hugh Grant.
Stymied and apparently hobbie-less, Bridget Jones continues to quest for true-ish love. She happens upon Colin Firth, whose expression throughout the film reminded me of the Iron Maiden song "Children of the Damned".
We next see Bridget Jones trying to make soup out of yarn. Apparently, she suffers from many chronic maladies. Colin Firth arrives to save the soup, but is attacked by Hugh Grant, who has succeeded in protecting his ancestral homeland from the devil, vis a vis hand grenade. Both start floating about like superheroes, throwing knives at each other. They race across the bamboo forests of London, gliding from shoot to shoot as onlookers stare, bewildered.
These two chaps then slap each other like little girls for about five minutes, before Bridget Jones has had enough. Remembering that her mother made her mow the lawn ceaselessly, she goes to a shed, grabs the lawnmower, and runs through the zombies. Blood flies everywhere. It's very violent.
FInally free of oppressive society, Bridget Jones decides to get rid of the evidence by throwing the lawnmower off the side of London Bridge. However, she gets a call from one of her friends, who informs her that the lawnmower is worth millions. The film ends with Bridget Jones reaching for the lawnmower.
The original version gets 1/4 stars
The clousems cut, however, is a masterpiece
Avengers Grimm:
The Asylum is one of the sneakiest film companies that has ever existed. Outside of Sharknado, their claim to fame is producing movies with similar names to mega-hits in order to exploit people who are too lazy to investigate the cover carefully.
One such film: The Avengers Grimm. Not to be confused with the Avengers (or Grimm, for that matter), this poorly crafted movie chronicles the adventures of 4 princesses (plus Little Red Riding Hood, who kinda does her own thing) as they try to not marry Casper Van Dien (who, as it turns out, was actually married to a real princess in real life. Go figure.), who has somehow managed to fall through a mirror and into what I can only describe as Cool World’s version of Hollywood. Naturally, being Rumpelstiltskin, he proceeds to take over the city and rule with an iron fist. Quite a step up from spinning hair into gold.
The 4 1/2 princesses, who also managed to fall through the mirror (along with the Big Bad Wolf) immediately procure a Camaro, leather pants that would cause the cast of Coyote Ugly to laugh, and a sizable resistance movement to do battle with the ol’ Rumpster. Along the way, goddamn Lou Ferrigno shows up and loses a fight to Lil’ Red, which seems rather far fetched.
The evil police show up to break up the fight, capturing Lil’ ‘Red and Big Green (note: he’s not green in this one, sadly). Rumplestiltskin hypnotizes Red into becoming one of his minions—who are easy to spot due to their mascara— and turns goddamn Lou Ferrigno into his secret weapon by covering him in silver paint.
Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella march on city hall, intent on overthrowing the democratically elected ruler of a U.S. city. After a not so epic battle, in which goddamn Lou Ferrigno has a change of heart, they succeed in defeating Rumplestiltskin.
In all, it was a refreshing change of pace from big budget, watchable superhero movies. 3/4 stars
The Asylum is one of the sneakiest film companies that has ever existed. Outside of Sharknado, their claim to fame is producing movies with similar names to mega-hits in order to exploit people who are too lazy to investigate the cover carefully.
One such film: The Avengers Grimm. Not to be confused with the Avengers (or Grimm, for that matter), this poorly crafted movie chronicles the adventures of 4 princesses (plus Little Red Riding Hood, who kinda does her own thing) as they try to not marry Casper Van Dien (who, as it turns out, was actually married to a real princess in real life. Go figure.), who has somehow managed to fall through a mirror and into what I can only describe as Cool World’s version of Hollywood. Naturally, being Rumpelstiltskin, he proceeds to take over the city and rule with an iron fist. Quite a step up from spinning hair into gold.
The 4 1/2 princesses, who also managed to fall through the mirror (along with the Big Bad Wolf) immediately procure a Camaro, leather pants that would cause the cast of Coyote Ugly to laugh, and a sizable resistance movement to do battle with the ol’ Rumpster. Along the way, goddamn Lou Ferrigno shows up and loses a fight to Lil’ Red, which seems rather far fetched.
The evil police show up to break up the fight, capturing Lil’ ‘Red and Big Green (note: he’s not green in this one, sadly). Rumplestiltskin hypnotizes Red into becoming one of his minions—who are easy to spot due to their mascara— and turns goddamn Lou Ferrigno into his secret weapon by covering him in silver paint.
Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella march on city hall, intent on overthrowing the democratically elected ruler of a U.S. city. After a not so epic battle, in which goddamn Lou Ferrigno has a change of heart, they succeed in defeating Rumplestiltskin.
In all, it was a refreshing change of pace from big budget, watchable superhero movies. 3/4 stars
...
This one's technically a TV show review, but guess what? I make the rules here! Muahahaha.
Jack of All Trades
This show is gahdam glorious. It's like someone threw Pirates of the Caribbean, Liberty Kids (which was an animated children's show about the founding of the U.S., for those of you who lack culture), Evil Dead, Zorro, and the Adam West Batman into a blender.
The show is about a guy named Jack (played by Bruce Campbell), a U.S. spy in the East Indies. It supposedly takes place in 1801 (according to the glorious theme song), but the writers appear to view time as a polite suggestion, rather than a hard rule-- one episode has Bruce Campbell (as his alter-ego, the Daring Dragoon) swordfighting with Blackbeard and Leonardo da Vinci on a submarine equipped with SAM missiles. Anyways...
Actually, you know what? I think that last sentence tells you all you really need to know about this.
6/5 stars.
Jack of All Trades
This show is gahdam glorious. It's like someone threw Pirates of the Caribbean, Liberty Kids (which was an animated children's show about the founding of the U.S., for those of you who lack culture), Evil Dead, Zorro, and the Adam West Batman into a blender.
The show is about a guy named Jack (played by Bruce Campbell), a U.S. spy in the East Indies. It supposedly takes place in 1801 (according to the glorious theme song), but the writers appear to view time as a polite suggestion, rather than a hard rule-- one episode has Bruce Campbell (as his alter-ego, the Daring Dragoon) swordfighting with Blackbeard and Leonardo da Vinci on a submarine equipped with SAM missiles. Anyways...
Actually, you know what? I think that last sentence tells you all you really need to know about this.
6/5 stars.
You have got WAAAYYY to much time on your hands, my son.
Well, I recently was promoted while I was slacking off and watching TV shows. I'm afraid that if I start doing actual work, they'll find out they made a filing mistake and fire me, instead.
@clousems try blatantly listening to old radio shows... instant CEO.
@obladie I already listen to Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar. Have not tried it at work, though.
@clousems Had to google Johnny Dollar..it never got to Australia that I know of. As I read on, images of The Maltese Falcon burst upon me.
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