Why I cheated in online chess?
It's all about ego. My over the board (normal face to face) play was improving. I played 59 rated games, won 37, drew 10 and lost 12. A winning percentage of 63% which is pretty good and the most consistent chess I've ever had. Winning raised my self-esteem, made me feel more valued for my chess ability and confidence as a player.
I wanted, for a mysterious reason to me now, to have this same sense from winning online. Cheating, however, only gave false positives from those normally gained through winning face to face. Once I'd started on this path it gradually consumed me. There was also no clear information I could find on cheating that could dissuade me, if that were possible, at the time. This is why I am writing about my experience here.
Slippery slope
I first started using assistance when I thought someone was using an engine against me. I got out of an opening trap I'd never seen or had played against me before. The resulting position was better for me and this is where I stopped using the engine and played on normally. I won the game but the damage was done. Using an engine made me believe I can use assistance to gain an advantage at the start of any game. The engine became a crutch, support that I could use if and when I needed it but by doing so I lost myself and the engine became the player. Whether I used the engine for 3 or 9 moves I was a slave to it.
Technology, relief
Lichess has a robust and well executed detection system. If you cheat you will be caught. It will just be a matter of time. I was glad at the moment it happened. It was a release. It stopped the lie I was living. Chess is really about truth and your truth. Cheating destroys any discovery you can make of yourself.
Impact
I lost a lot. I was immediately locked out of slack (communication mechanism), marked as a player using assistance on my lichess profile. I was also removed from a separate chess.com forum that I'd been on for years because I'd cheated. As a result of this I could not contact my lichess team whom I'd played with for several seasons, nor the members of my chess.com forum through shame more than anything else. I was in a state of shock and found it devastating. I felt like a criminal, a pariah. I started going through the various stages of grief. I certainly felt denial and isolation. I couldn't bring myself for sometime to even tell my wife. I think a positive can be found from every situation but at this time I could not see one.
Present
I still play online but very little. I never think about cheating. I review my games to try and understand why I made certain moves and find improvements for future games. Even if I learn one or two things from a game this way, it's useful.
I still play regularly face to face and thoroughly enjoy it. This is why I began and play chess.
Final word
If reading this, someone is put out off from cheating then I will have rescued something from the experience.
It's all about ego. My over the board (normal face to face) play was improving. I played 59 rated games, won 37, drew 10 and lost 12. A winning percentage of 63% which is pretty good and the most consistent chess I've ever had. Winning raised my self-esteem, made me feel more valued for my chess ability and confidence as a player.
I wanted, for a mysterious reason to me now, to have this same sense from winning online. Cheating, however, only gave false positives from those normally gained through winning face to face. Once I'd started on this path it gradually consumed me. There was also no clear information I could find on cheating that could dissuade me, if that were possible, at the time. This is why I am writing about my experience here.
Slippery slope
I first started using assistance when I thought someone was using an engine against me. I got out of an opening trap I'd never seen or had played against me before. The resulting position was better for me and this is where I stopped using the engine and played on normally. I won the game but the damage was done. Using an engine made me believe I can use assistance to gain an advantage at the start of any game. The engine became a crutch, support that I could use if and when I needed it but by doing so I lost myself and the engine became the player. Whether I used the engine for 3 or 9 moves I was a slave to it.
Technology, relief
Lichess has a robust and well executed detection system. If you cheat you will be caught. It will just be a matter of time. I was glad at the moment it happened. It was a release. It stopped the lie I was living. Chess is really about truth and your truth. Cheating destroys any discovery you can make of yourself.
Impact
I lost a lot. I was immediately locked out of slack (communication mechanism), marked as a player using assistance on my lichess profile. I was also removed from a separate chess.com forum that I'd been on for years because I'd cheated. As a result of this I could not contact my lichess team whom I'd played with for several seasons, nor the members of my chess.com forum through shame more than anything else. I was in a state of shock and found it devastating. I felt like a criminal, a pariah. I started going through the various stages of grief. I certainly felt denial and isolation. I couldn't bring myself for sometime to even tell my wife. I think a positive can be found from every situation but at this time I could not see one.
Present
I still play online but very little. I never think about cheating. I review my games to try and understand why I made certain moves and find improvements for future games. Even if I learn one or two things from a game this way, it's useful.
I still play regularly face to face and thoroughly enjoy it. This is why I began and play chess.
Final word
If reading this, someone is put out off from cheating then I will have rescued something from the experience.
